My escape has always been my brain. Whether it was disappearing into my dissociative states, going to the safe world I created in my mind, or focusing completely on studying and being top of the class. Trauma memories were locked away and my brain knew what to do to keep them locked. This coping mechanism had a function, and I will always be thankful for it. If not for this, I would not have gotten to where I am today. But it had a price. Because every few years, I would burn out, and suffer with depression. I never really understood why. I would just take a rest, change jobs, cities, countries, and bounce back up. There was a large disconnect between the body and the brain. All the classical cognitive therapies I did were useful as a safe space to vent, but the conversations only touched the surface and I could easily pretend I was feeling better.

The key for me was ending up in a therapy group that focused on the body, the connection between body, emotions, and healing. There were verbal sessions, but the focus was on speaking your words while still being connected to yourself and your body. They would often have to stop me, as I would be speaking from a very distant, cognitive, space, without any connection to the room or to myself. Once or twice a week we would have sensorimotor therapy, and other non-verbal therapy modalities. THIS was the key for me. Because my brain could fake it. My brain couldn’t hide the messages my body was saying.